Lent and Easter 2016 SHEILA CHAIN STORY
Lent and Easter 2016 SHEILA CHAIN STORY
* If you're a health and safety person, go one to page 2).
* If you're a pyromaniac, turn to page 15).
page 2) She also asked her friend to take all of her INflammable things, despite the fact that these by their very nature ought not to catch fire, because of something she'd heard at a college health and safety talk she had attended in her youth.
page 3) At the talk she had learned that at high enough temperatures atoms themselves began to dissociate and react in strange and interesting ways, which sparked an interest in fyzicks...
* If you're interested in consulting the Local Amphibious Authority on such matters, turn to page 4).
* If you feel self-sufficient in such matters, however, turn to page 10).
page 4) So the Phoenix decided to approach the chambers of one Sir Throatsac Toadon, so as to seek further enlightenment in such matters.
page 5) She entered humming a fanfare from Handel's Fireworks Music, only to find him immersed in contemplation, with the concentric rings of his kaleidoscopic eyes focused upon a 'Treatise on Opticks'.
* If you decide to wait patiently, turn to page 6).
* If, however, you decide to offer him an AurorBolt Dark Chocolate Coated Ginger Biscuit, turn to page 27).
page 6) He gargled rambunctionously, all the while directing light from his phosphorescent iris rings into a matching pair of prisms.
page 7) The Phoenix's tail-feathers began to smoulder, causing Toadon to sit bolt-upright. "My Alchemical Pursuits beckon..." he croaked, before noticing the presence of the Phoenix.
Page 8) "My dear, are you aware that your Tayle is on Fyre?" he asked.
She looked at him a little crossly, but not too much, for she simply couldn't find it in her to be in an unhappy mood in this most wonderful of moments.
"Yes, I am very much aware that my Tayle is on Fyre." she replied. "That's why I'm here."
page 9) "Oh, well in that case it is almost time for your ..." He paused, for a moment, a concerned expression forming upon his bulging face.
"Could you just come out here with me?" he urged. "You see, I have been studying the properties of Hydrogene, a most flammable gas. It would be a shame if your transformation were to blow this home apart."
* If you wish to partayke of ye Hydrogene, turn to page 71.
* If you trust rather in the Fire Troupe's wares, turn to page 86.
Page 10) "Ah well", she thought, "I shall have to go somewhere not just INflammable, but UNflammable."
So she flew to the very top branch of the Great Kookaburra Tree, whose bark was scorched but undamaged from the many flarings of the many Phoenices who had visited it over the years.
Page 11) At the top of the Great Kookaburra Tree, before settling down to the task of being reborn, the phoenix broke a Great Kookaburra Tree Nut off one of the branches, cracked it open and ate it.
Page 12) She would need the extra protein that the large nut provided for her transformation and Great Kookaburra Tree Nuts are also known to be incredibly delicious to Phoenices.
Page 13) The firm flesh inside the hard shell of the Nut tasted wonderfully rich and smoky and was even still slightly warm from the last blazing phoenix that had sat atop that Tree.
Page 14) And so she began to smoulder, whilst performing the Zaupitquiem on Voice, and Portable Synthiklavier. And mice joined in, with little Triangles and decidedly not mouse sized Trombones!
* If you'd like to be Reborn as Phoenixxor teh n00b Prince , turn to page 55.
* As Richard Phoenixon's Good Double from Omicron Prime , to page 76.
* As Phoenixosaurus Anarchopacificus Insurrex , to page 180.
* Or as The Anactivist Phoenix of the Far Future Awarenesses , then to page 190!
page 15) Next she lined up her fireworks, dominoes-fashion, such that her passing would ignite a chain reaction with rebirth as the finale.
page 16) And then she began to sing.
* If you are a Chilli Pepper Phoenix , so that yours is the Song of Spice and Fire, pass to page 35).
* If, on the other hand, you are a Phoenix Superstes Evitans , pass to page 47).
Page 17) The Story of Phoenix Generofluidiniensis
[Picture has been comissioned]
t.he + (1 - t).she was reborn from the ashes in a smouldering of pink and white and cyan downfeathers ...
page 18) "Good morning" said t.his) + (1 - t).her next door neighbour.
"My name is Nic the Nixlet, and my pronouns are he.sin(Tt) + she.cos(Tt) with an approximate period big-T of three months. At the moment, Nic is approximately 2/3 Nicholas and 1/3 Nicole. And who are you?"
page 27) 'Fiery', he Splutteraciously Ecroakulated whilst manipulating his prisms and rolling around the pupilocentric rings of his phosphoroiridescent occularia.
page 28) 'Yet I much prefer Handel's Water Music to thine overture' he gargled before diving off his lilypad studychair into the Greate Courte Ponde outside.
page 29) 'What are thine requestes of this Amphybicist who Squats Taller than All before, by Crouching on the Head of a Vertical Salamander?'
page 30) 'I would like to safely start a fire' the Phoenix Replied.
page 31) 'Ah, Kineticks, Thermodynamicks and Combustionne... I'm afraid you're in the wrong century for that', he replied.
page 32) 'But in the next ponde along, you can find a Venerable Squidde, named Ink-stained-board Kink-Dom Brunnel, who applies Thermodynamicks to Engynes of Tractione and to the Design of Steame-Punke Fetishe Outfittes'.
* If you would like to visit this Mythical Squidde of Steampunk Fame, go to page 75.
* If you'd rather make the Fire Troupe your next point of call, go to page 86).
page 35) 'O Nutmeg Sharp and Capsaicin Hot, I Re-enter the Melting Pot...'
* If you wish to be reborn so that when you moult the CakeFaeries can make an unforgettably delicious Apple Strudel from each of your feathers, pass to page 36).
* If, on the other hand, you wish to be reborn as an even hotter Devil's Bonnet Habanero Ice Pepper Phoenix , pass to page 41)
page 36) The CakeFaerie Phoenix
Xe dusted off the ashes from xer antennikins, as plumes of Cinnamon and Vanillessence rose from xyr icing pen shaped Nixlet's beakikin...
page 37) Next, xe unfolded and admired xer transluscent pastel winglets. Xe was now a Phoenix Fadacrustalam Strudelmalocinamomumvanilliensis! "I must now make and deliver cakes" xe said "so as to Receive a Wand to Call My Own..."
page 41) The Chilli Pepper Phoenix
She dusted off the ashes from her tiny horns, as plumes of smoke and pyrocapsaicinessence rose from her baby pepper shaped Nixlet's beakikin...
page 42)
page 47) Phoenix Superstes Evitans's Song
"In going up in flames,
I ask for a better world,
Where the Shy can do as they please,
page 48) Rather than just what they are told.
Where the Meek are Offered Cheese,
page 49) Freely rather than from baited traps,
And Differences of opinion are protected
page 50) Rather than sat upon till they collapse.
Where the Vulnerable are accepted,
page 51) without ever having to Say Why.
And boundaries are respected
page 52) and those Presenting as Men are Free to Cry."
And with that, the Phoenix Returned to the Ashes...
page 53) and a tiny beakikin peeked out from the ashes, quierpling .
page 54) With a ruffle and a puffle and a fluffle of feathers, the little Nixlet 'quierp'ed and shook off some of the ash, blinking at the bright and blurry world all around.
* If the Nixlet's pronouns are xe, turn to page 37).
* On the other hand, if these are t(he) + (1 - t)she, go to page 17)
* Finally, if these are She, jump ahead to page 130).
page 55) Phoenixxor teh n00b Prince
Phoenixxor teh n00b Prince had a TRuddeliously Gigantic Sword and a distaste for the cliquey orcs from the great underground holdfast of l33t...
page 62) "Will you lend me some Will, Magnificent Phoe?" wriggligarglejected The Squidde. "With will, I can rise out of this gravitational well I am elsewise well stuck in..."
page 63) "You know the chore", she replied. "I will will you some will if you Mention Everything that Begins with 'M' ... "
page 64) "Strictly speaking" They Ink-erjected "that applies only to Treacle Wells. However, I have Materialized a Massive and Magnificantabulous Suche, in Mine ante-Macassaribularium thither..." they said, pointing to the last door on the left with no less than five tentacles.
page 65) "My Mana is Mauvgenta, My Mantra Mandibulbousbeakocentric, My Mantle Macrolanoheptachomatispectrale, My Manner Matrianarchistic..."
page 66) "My Mathematical writings based on Matrices, Matroids, Modules, Manifolds, Measure Theory, Mappings, Monotone convergence, Metrizability, Minimal polynomials, Monads and Multiplication in Monoidal categories..."
page 67) They floated across to the door in question, and opened it. "And May I interest you in a Modicum of fresh Treacle?"
"Would that help in safely lighting a fire?" asked the Phoenix "As it May be time for me to Move on one turn around this Mortal coil. For us Phoenices do not Moult, or expire and Moulder..."
page 68) "This Treacle Mine of Mine indeed produces Metastable Treacle. Let Me Mine you a Mine in this Mine of Mine...
O Multiuseable Memes!
Pyrotechnical Dreams!
Hurrah, horray! Let's put on a display!"
They Writhed Tentacularilevitating Hexumphantly in their Joy.
page 69) "This Mine from this Mine of Mine, is of a kind that projects stars and sparks." They continued, producing a treacleodorescent tubule. "Being a Squidde, I'll set it off with a Squib, and it will burn Safely, Spectacularly and with Ink-Redible Precision..."
page 70) And so the Phoenix placed the Magical Treacle Firework between her wingtips, and the Squidde remotely set off a Squib. Stars and Sparks began to emanate, and the Phoenix began to Sing...
* For rebirth as Phoenix Vanilliensis, turn to page 120.
* For rebirth as Phoenix Dominans, turn to page 130.
* For rebirth as Phoenix Submissibilis, turn to page 140.
* For rebirth as Phoenix Trivalens (oscillating between all three of the previous) turn to page 150.
page 75) When our Phoenix arrived, she found the Squiddle Ink-stained-board Kink-Dom Brunnel relaxing in Their pond sporting a most exciting harness fashioned out of ethically produced but very realistic artificial leather, titanium buckles and stainless steel cogs and wheels, which were all interlocking and intertwined in more intricate ways than the eye of imagination can comfortably conceive.
* If the Squidde's Zeppelin Harness is Steam-Powered, turn to page 95).
* If, au contraire, it is Will-Powered, turn to page 62).
page 76) Richard Phoenixon's Good Double from Omicron Prime
(Alias "FireGate" !!!)
page 86) And so the Phoenix came unto the domains of the Paraffyne-Godde, as ministrated by the Pyromantulaic Priesthoode of ye Barrelle-Bearynge-Trolleyes, all Bedeck'ed with Strippes of Flamynge Kevlarre mount'ed into Mephistophiloparaphenalia.
page 87) Fan of Horns, Devilstick, Dragonstaff, Flaming Trident...
page 88) The Phoenix, two Poi, a Devilstick and a Flaming Hat simultaneously lit up the night sky in intricate patterns, and the Phoenix sang...
* For rebirth as an Ace Phoenix, turn to page 89.
* For rebirth as a Phoneix Demisexualis, turn to page 110.
* For rebirth as a Phoenix Panromanticus, turn to page 160.
* For rebirth as a Phoenix Generofluidiniensis, turn to page 17.
And upon the ashes, the Acenixlet builte her Neste.
As a place to return to for a modicum of rest.
page 90) With enough space planned lest a cuddlebuddy visit
And a storage jar from which in the meanwhile to Biscuit.
Page 95) "HELLO THERE." boomed Squiddle Ink-stained-board Kink-Dom Brunnel's voice in a very booming way. "WELCOME TO THE-"... They frowned, then adjusted a dial or two on Their harness with a quiet hiss of escaping steam. "Welcome to the - oh, that's better. I had the volume up far too high. My apologies."
Page 96) "Welcome to The Socioindustrial Revolution" They offered. "It is simultaneously the 1860's and the 1960's here...
Page 97) "Let Maxwell keep his puny Electro-Magnetic Unification. Steame-Punke Unification rules here..."
Page 98) Much as the speed of light automatically appears from the oscillations in electric and magnetic fields propagating each other in his, in mine, Kinke Waves automatically propagate due to the oscillations in the Steame and Punke fields propagating each other..."
Page 99) And lo and behold, multicoloured hair sprouted from Their Calamarine Brow in contra-tempo to the bursts of steam keeping the Zeppelin Suit airborne! And They began to sing.
Page 100) The Airborne Squidde's Songe of Steame-Punke-Kinke Liberaytionne
"The Squidde's zeppelin suit was Fluorescente Pinke,
And prevented Them from too quickly releasing Inke.
For they were into that kinde of Kinke...
Page 101) Their Steam Engine Funnelle was kind of cute,
But with tentacoyles, one can easily dispute
Thine Wishe to weare a dazzly Rubber Boote...
Page 102 A Tentacoyle Corsette, on the other hande,
Remains as a concepte rather magnilogrande.
O Mighty Pink Lead Zeppeloyd Band!
Page 103) And the final thynge to consydere
Is the steame-dryvvern Kink-netic Theory's warme aire
Don't just behold, but gaspe and gawpe and glare!
Page 104) Will you keep my fires lit, O splendid Phoe,
So I can soar every higher and be forever free",
They exclaimed in Ink-arous-like over-glee...
Page 105)
Page 106)
Page 107)
Page 108)
Page 109)
page 110) The Story of Phoenix Demisexualis
page 120) The Story of Phoenix Vanilliensis
page 121) The Nixlet was reborn,
from the frozen ashes,
inside an Ice Cream Cone,
page 122)
upon an Ice Cream Counter,
in an Ice Cream Shop,
in an Ice Cream Street,
in an Ice Cream Town,
in an Ice Cream World,
in an Ice Cream Galaxy,
a long time ago, far far away...
page 123) (massive orchestral fanfare...)
The Rebel Alliance
of Cinammon Bun Flavoured
Biscuit Crunch and Jedi Rock--
Candy Stick of Sour Apple, and the
Chewey-Decimal Chocolate Number-Munche,
Were hanging around in a Tutti-Frutti Rebel Cremerie
On the unillumimated part of an Ice Moon in the Goth planetary System ...
page 124)
(cut to a picture of Vanilla Stormtroopers, forming up in a vast and incredibly regular square, to the sound of the Imperial Vanilonormative March...)
page 125) Han-flavoured popsicles don't feature in this story due to having been obtained nonconsensual...
page 126) This story is to involve, rather, ... Jenga Fetish.
page 127) Ah, the joy of -s-e-x- stacking little pieces of wood...
page 130) The Story of Phoenix Dominans
The fire-proof boots were holding out well.
page 131) Sensual flames rippled along Her outstretched wing as She looked down upon the face of Her adoring prey...
"Of course you can have more icecubes, My sweet..." She cooed "but in My own time..."
"Mmm, now you're begging for My warmth... I'll remove My Ice Queen Mask and don the Feather of Warm Sensuality in My headband... My sharp talons are now sheathed in My soft velvet worship-boots, though you'll first get a long wing-cuddle" She smiled.
page 140) The Story of Phoenix Submissibilis
"More Ice-Cubes, Ice-Queen-Mistress", she begged, all leashed and pinned upside-down onto the turn-table...
And, very eventually "I beg for the warmth of your gaze and of your feathers" ...
page 150) The Story of Phoenix Trivalens
page 160) The Story of Phoenix Panromanticus
page 170) The Story of Phoenix Demisexualis
[Picture has been commissioned]
page 180) The Story of Phoenixosaurus Anarchopacificus Insurrex
So you've heard of when Earth was ruled by the Mighty Archosaurs!
But what you may not have heard about is when Earth was freely roamed by the Anarchosaurs of Peace!
page 181) This occurred at some point between the Perestroika-iassic and the Jurisprudence-assic, in the Ancient Supercontinent of No-middleman's-land.
page 182) For here Actio-agento-problemitis, Sleazerruption and Ban-on-seeking-office-prior-to-two-decades-doing-a-real-job-itis had successively wiped out the minoritarian but ruthlessly plutocratic and grotesquely bloated local fauna of Politicosauruses...
page 183) and so the twin oppressive magalotheriums of archonormativity and cratonormativity were placed on the back foot, and each Anarchosaur did as they pleased...
page 184) Some began to Construct a Crocodilomorph out of Cardboard... (*image links please!*), and to paint said Contraptions in the Deepest and most Lurid Greens...
page 185) For it was Fetish Night over at Rocksoc, and some of the Anarchosaurs wished to make a Big Splash there... (To the music of 'The Final Countdown')
``Our Macroserrato-Maxillarodontic Jawdibles,
Alligatoroluminencent, Phosphorogharialessent
Crocodilochromatic, Fluorocaimanessent
hues of Greeeeeen, Greeeeeeeeeeen,
page 186)
O Swampostagnecent Omniverdessant Grreeeeen!
Crotalocamouflagescent Grammarlibertescent Greeeeen!
O Nilocentric Nihilauthoriesscent Greeeeeen!
page 187)
For some rockers wear pink as reaction to most wearing black,
And to us green is the new pink, so cut us some slack!
It's the Fi-nal Croc-Soc!
page 188) Emerald-grass-escent, Toothy-grin-crescent
Lacrimofalsificant, Turquoisemoshinant,
Yes we will rant, to us Greeeeeen is the new Pink and...
It's the Fi-nal Croc-Soc!
page 188) But meanwhile, elswhere, other Anarchosaurs fashioned the Raptor Queen's crown, and did examples sheets on subjects of their own choice, and manufactured Vegan Enchiladas Just Because :)
And Phoenixosaurus Anarchopacificus Insurrex lived happily forever after with her commune of original, unrestricted and pacifistic friends.
page 190) The Anactivist Phoenix of the Far Future Awarenesses
[The Anactivistic Anaconda has, at least temporarily, been temporarily adopted as a mascot. This Mythical Being wears a "Conscientious Objector: Gentle Hugs Here Only!" T-Shirt:]
[The Anactivistic Anaconda has, at least temporarily, been temporarily adopted as a mascot. This Mythical Being wears a "Conscientious Objector: Gentle Hugs Here Only!" T-Shirt:]
page 191) Her newborn feathers still lightly smoking,
the Nixlet hopped across the grassy floor,
for she had yet to relearn to fly on her now tiny wings.
page 192) As she stopped to survey her surroundings, a soft voice spoke from under her:
"Hello, little Phoeniksss. Are you losssst?
I don't sssee many of your feathery disssspossition here on the ground very often."
page 193) She squeaked and jumped and fluttered a bit before landing in a feathery heap a short distance away.
"Who's there?"
page 194) "Jussst me. No need to be afraid."
There was flash of sunlight on moving scales, and then two slitted eyes were staring at her thoughtfully.
"I am the Anactivissstic Anaconda of the Arbitrary Arboreal Area. Which isss to ssay, thisss place."
The Anaconda's tail, holding a wand, waved it about in a nonspecific motion.
"My pronounsss are 'he' and 'him'. I am currently sssunbathing while I await the arrival of other Ssssnakefaeriess with baking ssuppliess. And you?"
page 195) "I am... A Phoenix. I am a Phoenix who does Phoenician things. My pronouns are 'she' and 'her'."
"I sssee."
The Anactivistic Anaconda slithered about until he was once again curled up in the sunniest spot.
He wore a tiara, and the scail polish on his back made the words 'CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOP: GENTLF HUGS C NLY!' - some of the writing had worn away.
"If you are not in a hurry, would you care to join me in waiting?
The Ssnakefaeriesss do not dissscriminate on grounds of age, occupation or sspeciess - you would be most welcome at our sssociety."
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page 199)
* If you are reborn as a Million-Label Phoenix, turn to page 200.
* If you are reborn as an Acategorical Phoenix, turn to page 220.
* If you are reborn as the Acategorical limit as n goes to infinity of an n-label Phoenix, turn to page 210.
* If you are reborn as a Phoenix who Refuses to be categorized even as Acategorical, turn to page 230.
page 200) The million-label Phoenix
page 210) The Acategorical limit as n goes to infinity of an n-label Phoenix
page 220) The Acategorical Phoenix
For now, have a tentative sketch of the ACategorical Cat!
page 221) The sign read
"Meeting of the Acategorical Cats and their Anactivistic Anacondas Society."
"Lol" thought the Nixlet "A third or higher generation Sheila and her Dog Society" and entered.
page 230) The Phoenix who refuses to be categorized even as Acategorical