SHEILA AND HER DOG
Mail sheila (at) srcf.ucam.org if interested in contributing further lines, or illustrations, to this story!
SHEILA AND HER DOG
Mail sheila (at) srcf.ucam.org if interested in contributing further lines, or illustrations, to this story!
[Lent 2017 Chainstory: 2039 variant of the 1939 "Wizard of Oz", featuring those who will probably still be unrecognized and oppressed then]
Chain 1: Official Kansasbridge, presented in Sepia and Tendexatious Bureaucratic Squalour
[Note: in this production, Toto is played by a Human Cat :) ]
Chain 2: Lighter-hearted-soc-land [Munchkinland 1]
[Dorothy opens the door. A gliscerichomocopia floodverwhelms us all.]
Dorothy: "I've a feeling we're not in Official Kansabridge anymore, Toto. We must be Over the Rainbow in Cloud Nine..."
[A cupcake swellvitates argentlilacglitterescent, and a tiny winged-and-wanded lady emerges.]
Dorothy bubblxclaims: "Now I Know we're not in Official Kansabridge anymore!"
The Great CakeFaerie from the Hill: "Are you a Good Would-be-Soc-Organizer or a Bad Would-be-Soc-Organizer? That's what the Geek-and-Subcultures Munchkins wish to know... "
At that moment Toto leapt from Dorothy's arms, made to snatch the Great CakeFaerie from the air, missed, knocking the swivelling cupcake to the ground, then bounded off down the Parade of Kings, the Geek and subculture munchkins calculating her speed, destination and ultimate destiny (basing this on Toto's star sign (this headstrong display of defiance clearly indicating that she is a Torus) in stunned silence. Dorothy swithered for several minutes, flabbergasted by her pet's uncharacteristically decisive action. In a glittery haze of confusion she stumbled off after Toto apologising that she no kind of soc-organisier, good or bad and that she just wanted to get Toto and get back to official Kansabridge...
The Great CakeFaerie appeared again, amidst the multitude of Butches and Femmes on the parade.
"Why me?" asked Dorothy.
"Well, you have freed them from the Wicked Alligator-Witch of the East Coast" said the Great CakeFaerie. "When the great Enuess fall-out Twitterstorm landed you here, your copy of "Burro-cratic Commie-ties of Offy-shell Kansabridge" landed on him and squashed her well flat in a permanent fashion... "
---
And so, my dear, you are now their national heroine. And they're hiding until they know whether you are a Good Organizer or a Bad Organizer".
"I'm not an organizer" said Dorothy. "Organizers are vapid and ceeveeocentric politicosauruses..."
[A thousand giggles, to which Dorothy looks perplexed.]
---
The Great CakeFaerie said "Ah, they're laughing because I myself am an organizer. Only bad organizers are vapid ceeveeocentric politicosauri. I am a Good organizer..."
At which alterna-Munchkins began to emerge from their sincerest pumpkin patches, and Geek-Widdershinikins too, from behind a gigantic pile of books labelled "Roll 8 or higher on a D12 to Save the Cuss-Fuss Library"... And they began to sing...
---
"Tick-tock, the Croc is dead...
Squashed by a rulebook larger than my Dos's head...
Tick-tock the vile old Croc is dead...
Tick-tock the Croc is dead,
crocodile tears shall now be shed
by the bureau-oppressive bunch
one they've had her liver for lunch.
It happened just like this.
The houses began to flock,
the Brokers to take stock,
and then the wicked old croc
swallowed the town clock
and caused the market to crash
just to sound more brash
as she broomicavalcated through the air
wearing a prosthetic head of hair
crocodilocackling all the way along...
but an airborne house is strong
And one began to plummet
right down upon her great big gullet
and all over her hatted mullet...
Ding, dong, death to the Croc
we'll now get back our only clock,
close down our sausage factory
and return to great prosperity..."
And, with that sung, the Munchkins began to enact their traditional dances.
Big Fish, Little Fish, Cardboard Box... and of course the Teapot Dance...
``The munchkins began to Rock...
and it increased their stock...
Since in moshpits we did indieed divest,
and in clippers to shape the Punks' Crest.
And in patenting Goth-Emoticons,
and Safer Space Tracks in Conventions."
``We do This Day" proclaimed the Munchkin Mayor, atop his Ceremonial Marmoset, ``Declare a National Holiday."
``A Day of Freedom From..."
``Crocodilauthoritarian Oppression"
``No more Reptilocentric Rants, Maxillocratically imposed on us or our descendants!"
``(If Any)" Added Pedant-Munchkin, parenthestetically.
``And now, it is a Time for Introductions..."
* text to be added *
Chain 3: Munchkinland 2
[Dorothy, the Great CakeFaerie on the Hill, and two presidents of geek-socs which have those, along with otherly-titled dignitaries from elsewhere - called Geldjarl, Runecaster, The Umpire and The Dance Commander - are now standing in front of a multitude of Munchkins.]
---
The Dance Commander, once again, gives the order to Dance (and Sing! and Present Arms! and Present Stash!)
---
Several Munchkinfaeries advance, singing:
"We represent the Chainstory League,
the CakeFaerie League,
the Survivor-Accommodating League,
and in the name of the Sheila and her Dog Societie...
we wish to welcome you to Alternacambridgeville."
---
Then several Be-Souled-Toy-Gun-Toting Munchkins join them, to the tune of:
"We represent the Sci-Fi Discussion Group,
the Assassins' Guild,
the Light Entertainment Guild.
And in the name of the Socially-Anxious Awareness Groups...
we offer you this Magnificent Eared Hat!"
---
Some of the CakeFaerie league pull out sleek yellow waterpistols, moving into sumptiouscutlassopugilisticflexipoint�elungidoccioes ...
The Guild, in reply, level their dartguns and turn on their flywheel motors...
*insert more lines here *
Chain 4: The Golden Scaled Anaconda
``Follow the Golden Scaled Snake,
to take to make to bake the cake
and cut all the red tape too...
We're off to see the Lizard,
the luminous Lizard called Liz,
she is, she is, she is,
she is, she is, she is ...
the Greenest Reptilian in the Buis.
Because of the licquorice she licks,
and the longest range of her tounge-flicks,
What's this we hear that she's into chicks,
that Lesbic Lizard called Liz..."
But the Golden Scaled Anaconda branches at this point, leaving Dorothy confused mid-verse.
``That's a good way down over there" said a voice.
``That's a good way too. In fact, some people go all ways..."
Dorothy still couldn't comprehend where the voice was coming from.
The Pansexual Scare-Drone began to hum, louder.
Dorothy got a fright. Back in Official Kansasbridge, Scare-Drones didn't talk. Or fly the pink, yellow and blue emblem of the Pans.
But Dorothy was accepting. He asked to be detached from the mobile mast he was fortunately quite loosely bolted on to.
``Would this Luminous Lizard of which you sing be able to give me an Artificial Consciousness?" he asked. ``You see, when I was circuitboarded and soldered together..."
``I'd like to believe that possible" said Dorothy.
``Though I've heard that..." The Pansexual Scare-Drone began to sing...
``That the Lizard is actually called Loz...
Short for Lozangelez, and she does LSD just because..."
``it improves the latigation on which her love-life depends,
with a tail and foreclaws she lashes it out from both ends,
o lascivious Lezdom called Loz... "
Dorothy smiles in amazement at the concept. In duet:
``We're off to see the Lizard,
the Lyserginous Lizard called Loz,
or possibly Liz for she's mysterioz,
and might lick licquorice lozynges, because
that's what the Munchkin-Mayor considered..."
``Oh my." said Dorothy. All this skipping along with such a Pantastic open-minded cyberperson has left me feeling very hungry, and I do believe we have skipped $our way into an apple orchard. How red those apples are, Tibbles. Could you fetch me one?"
``Helpful-Mewl".
Chain 5: Yet more Friends of Dorothy's
So the Pansexual Scare Drone, the Tin Scots Person, the Tin Mouse Person and the Cybernetic Dragon were skipping down the road, arm in arm in paw in claw in arm in padded forefoot with Dorothy and her Human Cat Pet Tibbles:
``We're off to see the Lizards,
the lovely luminous Lizard called Liz,
she is, she is, she is, she is
a licquorice lozynge licking Lizard Liz,
so with Fizzy Licquorice Bribes
and Crocodilolacrimogenic diatribes...
we'll ask her to help our cause...
We're off to see the Lizards,
the lascivious Lesdom od Loz,
because, because, because, because,
of the lysergogenic things that she does...
Chain 6: The Greeeeeen City Knock knock.
Who's there?
``We are here to see the Lysergic Lezdom called Loz" said Dorothy.
``To ask for a Conscientious Objector to Might is Right Permit" smoulterjected the Cybernetic Dragon.
``And a writ protecting employees from being fired if discovered to be Bipolar"
``And an end to other Mental Health stigmas"
``Mieieiwl-eugh-hrrr-rr" said Tibbles [Translation: Dignity for Catpersons!]
``The Lysergidudinous Loz won't see anybody today! Go Away!" said the Flowergimental Nasturtiant-Majoram, exorbitantly camply clad in Garlands of Gallantry. He turned about to reveal a sign hanging on his back spelling out, in huge angled pink letters
``DO ASK, AND DO TELL!"
And so Dorothy asked loudly: ...
--- some lines are missing here ---
``We ethcaped from the Mithithippi Thtate Thircuth!" thaid Lith.
You give me so little credit, neckruffleterjected Loz
``By Loth getting tho high during our thtay in Loth Angeleth that the and I jutht floated out of the thircuth and away acrothth the dethert..."
``with muthroomth for parathuteth!"
``You may return to my winter palathe residenthe" lithped Lith.
``She calls it Mispronounthed Thapphireth Thity" mocked Loz, her eyes beginning to counterrotate
``ooo, Pleistocene Porters with Lepidogobious meat ties!"
``Tapioca Anchovies escalating up the London Eye!"
``Lucifer in the Satano-stratosphere with DevilishyPandemoniacalDiamondDust!"
``Ugh, it'th thtarting to enter my bloodthtream again, Loth!" lispasperated Liz ``..."
``The Cardboard Crocodile Constructing Peoples are starting to eat pillow pies again!"
``The Sky is Greeeeeeen!" intoned Loz.
``Worthhipping the Nile Crocodile is NOT Nihilithm!" retorted Liz, getting to the existential heart of the matter.
Chain 7: Attack of the Monkeys with Twitter Accounts
[This lot are trying to capture an as yet unspecified magical item from one of the analogues of the gleefully green-faced Wicked Witch of the West... you've 3 days to add the next line, and are also welcome to add further companions for 2039-Dorothy, who's expected to accumulate nine of these rather than just three...]
"Tweet, Mah Pwetties!" screechterjected the Wicked Wizard of the West, realized in garish fake-suntan-orange with a pallid brain-slug atop his minute scalp...
---
The Monkeys with Twitter Accounts began to Troll-Mob Dorothy's Facebook with 140-character expletfanities...
---
The Conscientious Objector to Politics Cybernetic Dragon despaired at being labelled a clanking, clattering pile of calliginous junk...
---
But began to chant "I don't believe in Russian Mercenary Trolls..."
---
The Wicked Wizard of the West cackled malevgnorantly: "Yah'll Believer in Far More Than That by The Time I'm Done With yah." he twitterrupted. The Monkey King looked on languipathetically, for His People had to Obey the Wearer of the pallid putresciluminescent Brain Slug Toupee...
---
The Monkeys with Twitter Accounts began to fly across CybOzSpace. They infiltrated the Pinternest of Things, hacking into the Cybernetic Dragon's incenerblastors.
---
Fortunately, since zey had converted to Pacificosaurism, these were only loaded with 40-psi pressurized water. By which Dorothy just got a right soaking. Unfortunately, the Tin Scots-Person was also hit and rustminiced back to eyr Initial State. The Pansexual Scare-Drone opened his Million-Labelled Umbrella to shield his non-galvanizedly privileged companion as Toto eagerly showered in the cross-fire.
* add extra lines here *
---
Chain 8 The End of the Wicked Wizard of the Wild West (and of the Wicked Witch of Widdershins and of the Wicked Wizperson of the Great Western)
[Granny Weatherwax plays the latter, and uses Headology. On the other hand, the Wicked Wizperson of the Great Western uses Sarcasm, and is formed of four coaches, a broomstick and a buffet car.]
---
Chain 9 In Mithpwonounthed Thapphireth Thity (Thummer Rethidenthe of the Liththard of Lith *forked-tongued-lithp*)
Machiavelli's Pinguini-Princeps or A Game of Penguins :) [Mich 2016 Chainstory]
line 1) Alan, Alan and Alan were Machiavellian Penguins.
line 2) Alan The Magnificent had recently usurped Alan the Exquisite, while Alan the Padishan Emperor-God Penguin of Them All futilely twisted his moustachios in exile at the North Pole...
* If you are Alan the Magnificent, turn to line 3)
* If you are Alan the Exquisite, turn to line 80)
* If you are -V-i-s-e-r-y-s- -S-a-l-v-a-d-o-r---D-a-l-i---i-n---J-o-d-o-r-o-w-s-k-y-'s---D-u-n-e- Alan the Padishan Emperor-God Penguin (in Exile), turn to line 140)
line 3) Alan the Magnificent - who takes they/their pronouns - looked to cement their Non-binary Monarchy by entertaining the demands of Alannys the Green-Haired Pengwyne, Matriarcha Formidabilis of the Mag-alan-ic Pingus.
line 4) Alannys responds "Our wishes are to expand Our sphere of influence among the fauna of the South Americas... (She takes Dominant pronouns: capitalized).
* If Alannys asks for Alan the Magnificent's troops to cross the Andes by Elephant Seal, turn to line 5.
* If Alannys asks for Alan the Magnificent's troops to undergo a peace-keeping mission in Patagonia to protect Her Pan-dolin friends and prevent an Armadillogedon, turn to line 20.
* If Alannys asks for Alan the Magnificent's troops to arm Her Alpacalypse-Now insurrection against the Democratic Hereditary Republic of Llamaslandia, turn to line 40.
* If Alannys switches sides and asks for Alan to support the Ruling Llamagedon Party, turn to line 60
line 5) And so Alan-nibal the Magnificent pinipedicavalcated their way up the icy inclines of Anconcagua, at the head of a column of three thousand Penguins mounted six by six on ice palaces born by mighty Elephant Seals...
line 20) The Pan-dolin Pan-arch Pan-tominimically Pan-dered to the Penguins' pending ex-Pan-sion.
line 21) And so the Pinguini-peacekeepers Patagoni-deployed.
line 22) And yet armadillos saw pecadillos in the presence of armoured-division penguins...
line 23) despite, and indeed because of, their matching cute little blue peacekeeping hats.
line 24) The Armadillocitizenry yearned for their protectors to have more interesting and varied hats...
line 25) So they started a game of 'chicken' involving stealing peacekeepers' hats...
and rendering them unuseable for a good long while by use of:
* pasta sauce: turn to page 26
* boiling sphagetti in them: turn to page 30
* cooking vegan meatballs in them: turn to page 35
line 40) Alan decided they needed some background prior to undertaking such a complex mission.
line 41) Alan had usurped not only their father Alan but also their son Alan and their Auntie Alan too...
line 42) One day, he and his pet moose Archibald were planning yet another fall of the local government, as was their pinguini-prerogative.
line 43) Unfortunately, there were several similar organizations all pretending to be the local government, so this was a difficult task.
line 44) Alan considered these to be useful experiences to draw upon in tackling the multifactional Llama-Alpaca Question that Alannys had bequeathed upon them. Archibald snorted "here we go again"... as they stepped atop Alan's Royal Flag-Orca...
line 45) who was also called Alan.
line 46) In fact all of Alan's pets, ministers, generals, bodyguards, foodtasters, naval vessels and armoured divisions were called Alan.
line 47) And all were required to wear effigies of Alan Themself as masks.
line 48) Even the naval vessels.
line 49) Such is Alanocracy. Rule by The Alan over all the 'other Alans'. Alano-normativity.
line 50) Each other 'Alan' had an Alan Number inscribed on their Alan-mask's beak, indicating how many Alans away from Alan they were from knowing Alan personally.
line 51) Alan themself, however, was to be known as Alan Prime, or The Alan... Tot-Alan-itarianism.
line 52) So Alan told Generals Alan, Alan and Alan to aid the Alpacalypse-now movement with their Alanomorphic planes and ships...
line 53) On condition that they modify their name to Alan-pacalypse-now.
* If the Alpacalypse-now movement spits in the face of this encroachment of their freedoms, turn to line 54.
* If the Alpacas prefer to settle their score with the Llamas first, turn to line 280).
* If the Alpacalypse-now movement splits in the face of this encroachment of their freedoms, turn to line 290.
line 60) Alan marched to Llamaslandia himself, with a large contingent of penguins armed with dihydrogen monoxide blasters...
If the Alpacas' base camp is
* Full Water, turn to line 62
* Water with Care, turn to line 68
* No Water Weapons, turn to line 75
line 80) Alan the Exquisite twiddled his flippers within the confines of his Orca-shaped escape submarine ...
line 81) What a disappointment the day had been. Nothing had gone according to plan! He was still, like he'd always been, afraid of swimming underwater.
line 82) And he'd accidentally run over another penguin to boot! He decided do some art therapy to calm down.
* If you are knitting with spaghetti, turn to line 83).
* If you are painting with tomato sauce, turn to line 100).
* If you are doing pottery with vegan meatballs, turn to line 120).
line 83) Knitting with spaghetti was fun as long as you weren't hungry. But unfortunately, Alan the Exquisite was...
line 100) Alan the Exquisite had been working on a large mural for the inside of his submarine.
line 101) The tomato sauce and grown lovely different colours over time, and Alan thought the piece was exquisite. Who could he give it to?
* Alannys!: turn to line 102.
* The Pan-Arch of All Pan-dolins: turn to line 108.
* The Ruling Alan's Flagship-Orca, in an attempt at Orcarruption: turn to line 115.
line 120) Alan the Exquisite finished a meatball vase and set it aside. He felt much calmer now. Perhaps he could give swimming another shot...
line 140) Alan the Padishan Emperor God of them All could sense impending doom for as Alan the Magnificent had just been usurped, he feared that he could be Alan the Exquisites next target!
line 141) The original Alan the penguin owned several incredibly exotic-looking hats, which he absolutely refused to lend to the others because he knew their heads were far too small to look good in colourful headwear.
line 142) Alan the Padishan Emperor God's plan was to imitate the original Alan's hattery so as to convince the pinguini-population of being the One and Only Alan. Reborn. Immortal. Omniscient. And Beyond Magnificently or Exquisitely hatted.
line 143) For unsurpassable hattery can draw flattery, charging Alan's support up like a battery. He'd then open a second front with halibuttery (bribes).
* If Alan the Padishan Emperor God proceeds by wearing a Giant Tetrahaedron Hat Eyed Lidless, turn to line 144).
* If he does not condone this course of action, but rather elects to wear a Hat that can be Safely Set on Fire as a sign of His Trinity with the Gods Teyflonne and Paraffygne of the Ancient and Noble Cuft, turn to line 180).
* If he decides to go the whole hog and don an Immense Bonnette Safetieteflonne in the form of a Burning Giraffe Charged with Meltynge Pockettewatches Sinister, turn to line 200).
line 144) Alan lived next door to Pingo the Polar Bear.
line 145) "What a magnificent hat you are wearing today, Alan!" he growlxclaimed.
line 146) as he proceeded to eat him. and the hat made for a fine dessert! THE END.
line 180) The Gods Teyflonne and Paraffygne of the Ancient and Noble Cuft were less well known in the North Pole, so Alan got rather less compliments than he wished on the reverence of his conservatively burning hat.
line 181) His neighbour Pingo merely nodded at him on his morning stroll, and the seals openly laughed.
* If Alan the Padishan Emperor God throws his burning hat in the sea and swears battle against the other two gods of the Trinity, turn to line 182
* If the seals decide they like the hat and each put one on, thereby turning themselves all into gods of an Infinity Trinity turn to line 220
* If Alan the Padishan Emperor's flaming hat endows him with magical scrying powers, turn to line 240
line 200) In this full Daliesque form, Alan the Padisham Emperor God acquires twenty Giant Electric Penguins with Green Tentacles as a Bodyguard.
line 201) On the face of it, these are balrog-like entities.
line 202) Alan controls them because his moustachios have become larger than their tentacles. And are prehensile enough to paint their own surreal compositions.
* If they paint a Grand Piano using tomato sauce, turn to line 203
* If Alan the Magnificent catches word of this and wishes to one-up Alan the Padisham Emperor God as regards quality of bodyguards, turn to line 208
* If they paint a Master Plan for re-invading the South Pole, turn to line 300.
line 208) Alan the Magnificent pondered long and hard about Balrogs.
line 209) Alan determined the Balrog Axioms to be
I) A monstruous demon of shadow and flame.
II) Very bad indeed for the Mining Industry.
Therefore Chief Scientist Herr Doktor Frankencarrot (first name Alan, Alan Number of 1) was commanded to step up from reanimating undead root veg to attempting to Clone multiple copies of 'the Iron Lady'...
line 210) And the Arsenal started to churn out Handbags and Bouffant-Inducing Hairdryers, both intended to outrange the enemy's green tentacles.
line 211) And So It Began.
line 220)
line 240)
TO BE CONTINUED !